A Letter To My 13 Year Old Self

Dear 13 year old Katherine,

This might sound crazy, because you're hanging by your teeth at the end of a rope above a black abyss, but here's the thing... you're gonna live to see 18. I'm not even joking. You will defy several statistics and will kinda be left floating in a constant state of disbelief, trying to figure out how the fuck you're still here, but you will be.

Things will get better on the outside, more so when you fight for and gain your complete independence 3 years from now. (Though next year will be the start of learning how to finally breathe... and eat.) But not so much on the inside, even when you fight it. When that inner pain gets to be its absolute worst, that's when you'll FINALLY see the sunshine and it will ONLY get brighter. So even when you don't think you can take any more, you will find you have the tiniest sliver of hope left and it will keep you from death's door.

Don’t worry too much what they say about you at school, you might be considered the "weird" and "ugly" one, but next year you're gonna be called the "hot new girl" for a few months, which won't last because you won't put out and you're kinda rough around the edges (and that's not really a surprise considering everything), but you'll figure out eventually that beauty is subjective and that you have nothing to change, no one does. Where one will find you attractive, others won't, and that really you are the only one in your body 24/7 til the day you die. No one else's opinion matters but yours.

Don't worry about your boobs, you’ll be so much more blessed in the chest department than you ever expected, or wanted. But also, forget trying to get a tan, you’re gonna glow in the dark forever… just embrace it, you’ll look WAY better for it. That being said, when that guy kisses you on the party bus a couple years from now, maybe don't be so confused that he even did it that you freak out and run away. You will regret not being able to see things like that and appreciating them as they come along because you're so caught up in your self doubt and low self value.

Try not to be so angry at yourself. You did nothing wrong, you were a good girl and you deserved better than what you got. It takes a very damaged individual/s to be able to consciously do that to children. All that has happened is going to make you so strong one day, forged in fire and moulded under pressure. You won't break in a stiff wind, I promise. Even better, you'll be able to appreciate the little things like human contact, regularly eating meals like a whole bowl of hot food slowly, having friends, being able to make choices for your life that have your own best interests at heart and so much more.

Further down the track, you'll even have people you can confidently call family. You have endless possibilities of happiness to look forward to.

So while you hang from that rope with your teeth, please don’t lose Hope, because Hope will be the key to not just your eventual survival, but ability to eventually thrive. You will survive, then thrive and live. You will love and be loved in return.

Love your older, yet still somewhat attractive self.